Michael Hutchison: August 2006 Archives

What a time to have no income! The first season of the Tick Animated Series arrives on Monday, and I won't be able to buy it after wanting it to come out on DVD for so many years.

ARRRGH!

UPDATED -- Campaign over, links removed.

After a long absence, I finally got a new ad up on the top there. Any and all income is appreciated at the moment, naturally.

I know, there probably aren't too many of you out there who are in the market for a car, but I hope you'll at least check out the new Acura campaign once. Clicks are appreciated. And so long as Monitor Duty shows that we can generate clicks, they'll probably switch us to a video game ad for the next campaign.

Yeah, I could ten banners all over the site and get more money that way, but I think ads are more effective if there is just one attractive one. And I wish I knew how to use Flash. Guess I should be studying up during my, ahem, off time.

UPDATE! All that fuss, and I forgot to paste in the text! I also forgot to mention the video game you get to play. Check it out:

Do you have what it takes to get past ClubRDX's velvet ropes?

Test your cool quotient and experience the thrill of a night out on the town in a brand new Acura RDX with the Acura ClubRDX online game. The game offers visitors an exciting and fun way to get up to speed with the RDX, the technocharged crossover SUV from Acura.

ClubRDX uses interactive techniques that allow players to select their own wardrobe, road tunes, test their bouncer schmoozing skills, and showcase their dance moves, while providing a preview of RDX's amazing technological features including the voice recognition navigation system and the10-speaker surround sound stereo system. Players can check their game progress with the cool performance meter.

The RDX is all about style, comfort, and technology and is the perfect vehicle to compliment a busy lifestyle. RDX comes equipped with a variable flow turbocharger, Super Handlin All-Wheel Drive™, a 2.3 liter, 16-valve, DOHC i-VTEC® 4-cylinder engine, six airbags, sports seats, leather trim, automatic climate control, XM Satellite Radio and much more!

Now that I own all eight episodes of Red Dwarf on DVD, they finally unleash The Complete Red Dwarf at a price that averages out to a cheap $22 each!

Yeah, I know, it's another merchant link. Whine all you want, but I could use the cash...and this IS good news for any Red Dwarf fan who somehow held out til now before buying the DVDs.

Justice League of America #1 debuted today. Brad Meltzer's story is off to a slow start, typical of the "write for the trade" style. Sure, once it's all assembled, there will be action in the story, we just don't get to see it in this installment. That said, it makes for an intense read with some touching moments and solid drama, and I'm especially pleased to see the attention paid to some second-string characters I've loved for years, namely The Metal Men and Red Tornado.

First off, the Metal Men. I'm somewhat glad that the Infinite Crisis simply wiped out the 1993 mini-series and re-established that they are robots, not human souls trapped in robot form.

And the "somewhat" is only on account a' I had a pitch to bring the Metal Men back and it too is now scrap alongside the "Merry Adventures of Elongated Man and His Wife", my Captain Carrot mini, my Suicide Squad focused on Captain Boomerang, my story about Robin camping with his dad, my Blue Beetle mini that would make Ted a serious character again, my plans for a Guy Gardner Warrior mini and everything else I ever planned to pitch to DC. You know how Ronald Reagan said he didn't leave the Democratic Party, it left him? I'm still a lifelong DC fan, but over the last several years, the DCU has pretty much moved beyond anything I'd want to write. Forget "want"...almost none of the characters I'd want to write are available or in the same shape they were in before. The only thing left in my pitch pile for ideas I could throw at Dan Didio if the situation came up are Elseworlds stories, and DC isn't really doing those anymore. At this point, I'm pretty much a mere spectator...and at $3 a pop for everything on the stands, maybe not even that for much longer. (I'm unemployed, remember?)

So...ahem...sorry for the diversion. Back to the Metal Men. I detailed back in my first contributions to Fanzing about how the Metal Men had been through numerous revamps mainly due to the differences in writers and the progression of the initial concept. The early issues of Metal Men had the characters as solid robots with very limited shape-changing abilities. I even remember an early issue where they made a point about how one was exposed to enough flame to start melting; this is radically different from the robots today who change shape at will. (What's the big deal about Mercury being liquid if they all can liquefy, I wonder?) Although years before such ideas as nanorobotics and liquid metal T-1000s, it came to be accepted that the robots weren't the ordinary kind with nuts, bolts and wires, but were solid metal clear through. It's pretty batty to insist that their outer casings' properties would apply to their interiors if they aren't made of the same metals.

John Byrne finally redefined them very well in Action Comics, where it was revealed that the robots were made of a special Magnus polymer which duplicated the properties of the metal assigned by the Responsometer... and the Responsometers were shown to be microscopic. Well done, John! Then this was ignored in the 1993 mini, when the responsometer became the size of a casaba melon.

And now, in 52 (or should I say "then" in 52?) the Metal Men are back to being solid metal robots with wires and hoses and nuts and bolts, and they can be disabled just by taking off their heads. This is actually the first time in Metal Men history that separating their heads deactivates them.

Why are the Metal Men brought back only to be feebs? They're not feebs! They could be one of the coolest teams around if they were written right. Argh!

This is one of the problems with being a minor neglected character. Here's another:

How old is Traya? You know, Traya, who was adopted by Red Tornado and his "wife" Kathy Sutton when RT found her in a war zone way back in issue 152 of Justice League of America from 1978? Believe it or not, she actually looked to be about 12 years old in her first appearance! They moved the age back a bit when she was brought back to the USA and adopted, but let's be charitable and say she was as young as 7.

Now, granted, there's that 10-year timeline. Even there, when it was written back during Zero Hour, six years would have passed between Traya's introduction and the "present", and the present is many years back. If Traya was seven when she was adopted, she'd have been a budding pre-teen during Zero Hour. And how many years have passed since Zero Hour? During the time since then and now, the Justice League has gone through a whole 'nother run. And let's not forget, the DCU just threw on a whole whopping 'nother year!

Even within "Young Justice", Traya went from a little kid watching Pokemon to a small teenager attending a private school...and that was with the same writer doing the stories!

I don't know how many "years" have passed, but here's what's happened in the DCU during the time that Traya appeared up til now:

• Robin went from a freshman in college to splitting with Batman to becoming Nightwing to a cop in his late 20s.
• Firestorm's Ron Raymond went from a high schooler (I don't think he was even a senior) to a college student, to a famous male model, to a senior respected hero, to dead.
• Booster Gold was years away from his first appearance, let alone 20 years of stories that have happened since then.
• The JLA was still in their satellite. Since then, there's been JLA Detroit, JLI (Giffen's era), the post-Zero Hour sucky team, the Morrison era, five years of post-Morrison stories and a skipped year where they don't exist.

Traya has to be about 15 now. Instead, she's three feet tall and looks to be about five years old!

No matter how flexible you want the DCU timeline to be, I don't think kids can age backwards.

P.S. According to the Unauthorized Chronology of the DCU, Traya's story occurred in "Year Nine" and we are now in "Year 23", so Traya would be drinking age about now! Mind you, that's unofficial and I think the timeline there is too literal to work, but even if you cut it in half, there's no way Traya is as young as she appears in JLA #1.

UPDATE: I just re-read it and noticed another thing. Lian, Arsenal's daughter, who was BORN several years after Traya was adopted, now looks to be about three or four years old.

I needed a pick-me-up. So I found a little bit of refreshing silliness in honor of Tom Cruise getting the boot by Viacom/Paramount:

But don't feel sad for Tom Cruise. He's happy.

And it looks like today's an extra-special day for Matt and Trey (see previous post) because it looks like they ultimately won in the "Tom Cruise applies leverage with Viacom battle":

Matt Stone and Trey Parker will satirize Godzilla movies in a couple years. They'll also be doing a high school comedy called My All-American High.

Chris Muir's Day by Day has always been politically hard-hitting but conversational and fun. Now he's heading for some pretty serious territory as Jan and Damon square off about her possibly being pregnant..

So far, the Hemingford Ledger ("Box Butte County's Family Newspaper") is the only newspaper carrying the strip. I would hope more would get on board. But it'll be funny having an abortion discussion only inches away from Hagar the Horrible!

(Is the county's butt really shaped like a box?)

I know, it may be a little silly to link you all to a strip that you can read at the bottom of every Monitor Duty, but this way you can find the storyline even a year from now.

Oh, and if there are other strips that broadcast freely and would like to be linked at the bottom, just contact me!

Live Rattlesnakes Released In 'Snakes On A Plane' Theater

In case you don't get the joke, William Castle is the guy who wired up people's seats with electricity for the scary parts in "The Tingler". Many of his cheapo schlock horror films had such a gimmick. The John Goodman character in "Matinee" was based on him.

Oh man. Matinee is out of print on DVD! I forgot. That's actually a good movie. Why is it the worst dreck is still available on DVD but good stuff like this Joe Dante movie can't be had for less than $30?

Hmmm. I own that one. Maybe now's a good time to sell.

When your concert is being attended by pensioners getting senior citizen discounts and the other seats are empty because those fans are dead, God is telling you that you are too old to rock.

Bruno Kirby, R.I.P.

He was Billy Crystal's best friend in "City Slickers" and in "When Harry Met Sally." (They were both in "Spinal Tap" as well.) I can't believe he's dead already. He was so young.

Raiders Of The Lost Ark in 30 seconds and reenacted by bunnies. Be warned, this one is PACKED and goes by fast.

Anyone get my post title joke?

Well, I'm off for a few days. Hopefully everyone will keep up the content. There may even be a new author joining us soon. And on that mysterious note, I bid you adieu.

Does R2-D2 have a conscience?

I was re-watching "Revenge of the Sith" once again. You're all right, by the way; Obi-Wan Kenobi did hear Anakin being dubbed "Darth Vader." I was also puzzled as to how Obi-Wan knows that Vader is the same guy walking around in the mask and robes, but actually, in re-checking the dialogue of the original Star Wars, there isn't any indication that Kenobi knows he is alive until they meet on the Death Star.

Oh, and that's the name of it. "Star Wars". It's just "Star Wars" (1977). It's not Episode IV, it's not "A New Hope", it's just "Star Wars". Best movie title ever: Star Wars. If the movie had been released as "A New Hope" no little kids would have ever gone to see it. The "New Hope" thing was no more than a chapter title for the opening crawl, which was simply Lucas' way of putting everyone into the mood of watching an old sci-fi serial. "A New Hope" is not a title that should ever be on a movie poster. Not in big letters, like IT'S the title of the movie, with "Star Wars" wrapped around it as if it were merely a category. And in my day we had wooden toboggans that weighed a ton, and you dreaded dragging them back to the top of the hill, and we liked it. We didn't have these light-as-a-feather space age plastics. Bosh! Rimshaw!

There's a scene in Sith that piqued my curiosity.

Don't say I never did anything for you, Chris!

OK, I know I come in on the tail end of a lot of trends. That's pretty obvious, as when I posted a link to a Strongbad eMail and everyone chided me for having just discovered the Homestar Runner web site five years after everyone else.

Fortunately, I sidestepped that whole phenomenon of Photoshopping Admiral Ackbar into a picture.

But now I'm on the cutting edge, because I'm joining the Flat Fatima revolution!

First, check out that link. In case you haven't been folowing the news, "Fatima" is a woman who appeared in two separate photos taken two weeks apart, each time claiming that her home was destroyed by the Israelis. It's just one of the many bits of fauxtojournalism uncovered in the last two weeks by bloggers.

All right, here's my first try:

WARNING: Seriously, the language and discussion material in this link is of an adult nature. Ye have been warned.

I didn't even realize that Devin Grayson had a new paperback novel from DC Comics, but she does. It's called Inheritance, it focuses on the superhero/sidekick relationships of Batman/Robin, Green Arrow/Speedy and Aquaman/Aqualad, and apparently Devin cuts loose with the homoerotic descriptions.

At least, that's what this lady says.

It sounds downright hilarious.

Huh. Apparently it's not the only new novel from DC. Alan Grant has one with similar cover art and a similar "three heroes" theme. I hadn't even heard of this program.

Here are the books I've tracked down so far. Anyone know of others from the same novel line?

The Stone King
Superman: The Never Ending Battle
Batman: Dead White
Wonder Woman: Mythos
The Flash: Stop Motion
Green Lantern: Hero's Quest
DC Universe: Last Sons
DC Universe: Inheritance
Green Lantern: Sleepers, Volume 1
Green Lantern: Sleepers, Volume 2
Green Lantern: Sleepers, Volume 3
Justice League of America: Exterminators

OK, I'm exaggerating, obviously. But I think it's kind of cool that my brother is going to be in the new Transformers movie.

He called me tonight. Apparently, Michael Bay needs shots of an AWACS plane for his movie, and it's going to be my brother's plane.

Dang it. Now I have to actually go to this movie.

Two words: Re Hearse.

Get ready for an endless stream of photoshopped gay kisses with Batman and "I wish I could quit you" jokes. Brokeback Mountain star Heath Ledger has been named as the new Joker for the second 'Batman' movie. (That's right, I said second. This is clearly a new Batman cycle we're "Begin"-ning.)

Fortunately, I never saw Brokeback Mountain, so whenever I think of Heath Ledger I think of "A Knight's Tale", which was a fun medieval romp with a classic rock soundtrack and a cast of soon-to-be-stars. (Haven't seen it? You should.)

Can he play The Joker? Frankly, I thought Jack Nicholson was a terrible choice for The Joker, and I think I was pretty much right. Oh, he did all right, but he wasn't The Joker. And it's also partly the script and partly the directing and partly the Prince soundtrack.

My point is that it's not JUST the actor. I mean, did you ever thinking that BONER would be a good Joker? You know, Boner, Mike Seaver's friend from "Growing Pains", as played by Andy Koenig, Walter "Chekov" Koenig's son? Would you ever pick that goofball to play The Joker? I wouldn't. And yet, when asked to play that role in what was essentially a SFX demo reel (Sandy Collora's "Batman: Dead End") he knocked it out of the park.

OK, it's not a perfect film, but visually it's a Joker straight out of Gaiman MORRISON's "Arkham Asylum". (UPDATE: OKAY, I GOOFED, IT WAS LATE AND I'VE HAD A ROUGH WEEK.) The script needs work, especially with the dangling participles, but all in all, that's the Joker. All it needed was a director and writer willing to portray him that way.

And for the record: I doubt that prior to 1992 1 in 100 people would think Mark Hammill was even capable of being The Joker; these days he's the Ultimate Joker by which all other actors fall short.

So it's Heath Ledger. I'm willing to give him a shot, especially given the casting skills on display in the first movie.